Strategies

— If you’d like more help than you can get from this guide, please email me at mary@mydogjustdied.com.  I’d be honored to work with you!—

1. No matter how deeply you are grieving, it is important to recognize your feelings as normal and natural. Sometimes grief is compounded because we make it wrong to feel such a deep loss over a ‘dog’. One of the most powerful things I read shortly after my dog died said, “It’s the bond of love that makes death difficult, and the stronger the bond, the more difficult the loss, regardless of species”[1]. I couldn’t agree more!

 2. Allow yourself to cry. For many, this doesn’t seem to be a choice, but too often people try to hold back and avoid tears, thinking it hurts too much to cry. While crying can hurt, it also serves as a release and can lead to feelings of relief.

Strategy: If crying is getting in the way of obligations like work, schedule a time to cry.  This may sound strange, but it works. Choose a time when you can be undisturbed. Set a timer for a designated amount, ideally 10-30 minutes (no longer). During this time, consciously stay focused on the loss; bring up all the things that make the loss so difficult and let the tears flow. Make it as intense as possible, but when the timer goes off, tell yourself that’s all for now. Now close your eyes and focus on your body.  Notice where your feelings are and focus in on the spot that feels most intense.  For most of us, it will be around our heart or belly.  Don’t think about it, but simply bring your awareness to that spot and the sensations, and breathe deeply and purposefully.  If you stay with it, the feelings will dissipate and you will be left with a feeling of spaciousness where the tension was.

 3. Distract yourself with activities you enjoy. Strategy: Make a list of your top 5 favorite things to do that you couldn’t do with your dog, and do them; maybe hike a trail that isn’t dog friendly; go to the movies; sit inside a restaurant, instead of the dog-friendly patio; take a trip; go out with friends, date night, etc.

4. Be aware that emotions are simply a product of three things:

a)    our thoughts
b)    the language we use & meaning we attach to those thoughts, and
c)    our physiology, or body language.

We think something; we use certain words to convey those thoughts and attach a meaning to it (that we make up); and our body, our physiology matches that meaning and then (only then!) emotion arises. Because of how quickly this process happens, it does so without our awareness.  We don’t realize we have a role in our emotional state.  We can actually choose it, by choosing our thoughts and attaching a meaning that feels better! And when we change our physiology, we can instantly change our emotional state.

For example, we think the thought “my dog just died” and we attach meanings such as:  No one will ever love me like he did.
I won’t survive without her.
Life will never be the same.
I’m to blame for his death.
It’s so unfair.
___________________ (fill in your own version).

From an objective standpoint, each of those sentences (meanings) cause bad feelings.  But, you counter, they are true.  And they may well be.  I’ve felt each of them myself!

But we have a desire to feel better; to have less pain; to not hurt so badlybecause we just lost our best friend.  The only way to achieve this outcome is to monitor our thoughts and attach meanings that feel better.

Strategy: Try these on with “My dog just died.”
He had a good long life!
I did everything I could for her.
We shared such a wonderful life together.
I am so lucky and blessed to have had her in my life.
I am thankful he is not suffering.
Death is a natural part of living.

While these statements don’t completely erase the pain, they feel better, and better is what we are going for!

The third component is physiology or body language.  By deliberately shifting our body language, we can shift our feelings. It falls under the category “fake it till you make it.” Have you ever tried smiling when you feel bad and the smile instantly makes you feel better? Changing a sad face to a happy one, even initially a fake one, can make a difference.  A bigger change, however, comes when you change more than just a frown to a smile. Standing up tall, doing some physical activity, can change a mood instantly, as opposed to sitting, slouching or laying down, focused on the loss and attaching a meaning like “it’s all my fault”. Instead, move your whole body. Strategy: Put on some music and dance; take a walk out in nature; do some jumping jacks; something to rev UP your energy. It’s imperative to not wait until you feel like it, but rather do it in order to elicit a change in feeling!

The key is in moving your body in a way that feels good, focused not on “he’s gone”, but rather “he’ll always be in my heart” or “I have so many connections to her through all that we shared”.